If you are a parent or caregiver of a child over the age of one, you have likely experienced a meltdown! The meltdown—when your child is no longer calm, no longer in a state to be reasoned with, and seems to have one goal: to make sure that everyone within a two-mile radius knows they are upset and unwilling to comply. Meltdowns can leave a parent or caregiver feeling helpless and out of control. In that moment, there are typically a dozen thoughts racing through your mind, most revolving around, “How can I make this stop?”
For me, when a child is having a meltdown, it triggers a certain level of panic. I have worked for years to quell that panic, but even with my own children, staying calm has always felt harder than when I’m working with clients who are experiencing a meltdown. If my mom or mother-in-law was around during one of these meltdowns… well, the panic rose exponentially! In those moments, it was easy to respond out of frustration, embarrassment, and overwhelm. But when I reacted with shouting or punishment, it almost never stopped the meltdown. Why was that?
Before diving into how to handle these situations, I think the best place to start is by defining a meltdown and understanding the differences between intentional behaviors and meltdown behaviors.
What is a Meltdown?
Meltdowns are often due to an overload in the nervous system. This overload can stem from sensory issues, emotional stress, or a child’s difficulty in self-regulating. The nervous system goes into distress, and we see behaviors like crying, refusal to participate, abandoning activities, or aggression toward others or themselves.
You may have noticed that these behaviors are often associated with the “Terrible Twos,” and there’s a reason for that. The toddler and preschool years are a time of rapid cognitive development, which can overwhelm children, leading to meltdowns.
Meltdowns vs. Intentional Behavior
So, if meltdown behaviors result from nervous system overload, how can we differentiate them from intentional behaviors?
Intentional behaviors typically occur in response to a specific circumstance or event. These behaviors can often be altered or influenced by rewards or consequences. Examples include when a child is seeking attention or defying a rule or instruction. In these moments, the child is usually aware of what they are doing—they might make eye contact, check to see if you’re watching, or appear calm despite pretending not to hear you.
These behaviors differ from those of a child who cannot process what you’re saying because they’re too distressed, crying, or distracted by their environment. During a meltdown, it may feel like your child has become someone completely different!
Checklist: Meltdown or Intentional Behavior?
Here’s a little checklist to help you decide if your child is having a meltdown or demonstrating intentional behaviors:
Intentional Behaviors:
- You understand the reason your child is objecting; it typically responds to a direct task, instruction, or environment.
- Your child can make eye contact.
- Your child is purposefully refusing to comply, either by saying “no” or ignoring directions when you know they heard you.
- Your child can negotiate or try to bargain.
- Your child may use emotional manipulation.
- Your child may engage in attention-seeking behaviors (e.g., throwing items in your direction, slamming doors).
Meltdown Behaviors:
- Intense, prolonged crying or screaming that’s difficult to stop or redirect with words.
- Physical aggression, such as hitting others or themselves.
- Signs of panic, such as sweating, increased heart rate, rapid breathing, or attempting to run away.
- The child’s response seems disproportionate to the event or circumstance.
- The child’s communication decreases, and they struggle to express themselves or understand others.
How to Respond to Intentional Behaviors
- Stay calm, as hard as it may be!
- Offer clear examples of expected behavior. Instead of saying, “No, stop throwing that,” say, “You can put your toys in the bucket.”
- Let your child know what behavior needs to be completed before their desired activity: “First clean up the toys, then we can play outside.”
- Ignore attention-seeking behaviors (e.g., stomping, screaming) if they’re not hurting anyone or damaging property.
- Offer choices, such as “Do you want to clean up the books first or the cars first?”
- Praise their effort: “Good job putting one book on the shelf. I can tell you’re ready to clean up,” or “I like how you’re using your inside voice.”
How to Respond to Meltdowns
- Stay calm and get down on the child’s level.
- Minimize how much you talk to them—avoid giving too much information.
- Give them space, but keep them safe. Try not to hover or chase after them.
- If they’re ready, hold them on your lap and gently rock them.
- Model deep breathing.
- Validate their feelings: “This is hard. It’s okay to be upset.”
- Slowly redirect their attention to something calming, such as blowing bubbles, looking at a book, or doing a simple puzzle.
- Once they’re calm, revisit the meltdown later, away from the situation.
Parenting certainly has its challenges, but helping your child learn to self-regulate is a skill that will benefit them for the rest of their lives! For more information on handling your child’s meltdowns, visit our website or email us.