October 2024 – Pediatric Therapy and Learning Center

Let’s face it—children can be MOODY! They want what they want, when they want it. Or maybe your child is the one who has a hard time getting going. It can be exhausting trying to motivate a child who can’t tune in or get with the program. And if you’re anything like me, you can probably remember a time (or two!) when you didn’t respond in the best way. Or maybe it’s hard to recall a time you actually felt like you got through to your child. Parenting is not for the faint of heart, and it can often feel like you’re stuck or unsure of what to do when your child isn’t cooperating or becomes overwhelmed by simple requests, like “eat your macaroni and cheese!”

While all children have periods of what we’ll call “moodiness,” some children have more significant difficulties regulating their emotions than others. These children may show more intense and frequent displays of anger, avoidance, refusal, or even combativeness. All children—especially toddlers and preschoolers—can have moments when they overreact to small events or requests. But if these overreactions happen several times a week and last longer than five to ten minutes, it might be time to explore why they’re occurring.

Even if your child is having frequent meltdowns, there are strategies that can help you support them and shift their behavior. One effective method is called counterbalancing—responding in a way that contrasts with your child’s current mood to help balance their emotions. As a parent and a pediatric occupational therapist, I use counterbalancing strategies all day long, and I can assure you they work. However, they do take some practice, so give yourself some grace as you get the hang of it.

What is Counterbalancing?

Picture an old-fashioned scale with two sides balancing weight. On one side, you have your child’s big emotions—frustration, anger, refusal—tipping the scale.

Let’s take the example of a toddler who’s refusing to put on their shoes to leave the house for daycare. They’re throwing themselves on the floor, screaming—can you picture it?

Now, as the parent, you have a choice. You can add more weight to your child’s side by reacting similarly: raising your voice, picking them up abruptly, threatening consequences, or over-explaining the situation. Or, you can choose to counterbalance their emotions. This involves:

Getting on their level physically,
Lowering the volume of your voice,
Using fewer words,
Validating their feelings, and
Offering choices to help them feel more in control.

For example, you could calmly say, “You didn’t want to put on your shoes, huh? I can help with that.” Or you could shift the emotional tone by using humor: “Those shoes must not want to be on those stinky toes! P-U!” Adding a bit of humor can be an excellent way to lighten the mood. Giving your child two simple options—“You can put your shoes on here, or in the car”—allows them to feel like they have some control, which can also calm them down.

Counterbalancing Strategies for Heightened Emotions

When your child is experiencing strong emotions like anger, fear, or frustration, here are some tools to help balance their mood:

Stay calm: Your calm demeanor can help regulate their emotions.
Use a quiet, monotone voice: This reduces stimulation and tension.
Get on their level physically: Sit or kneel next to them.
Validate their feelings: Acknowledge their emotions by saying, “You are mad about that.”
Give simple choices: Allow them to have a say in how an activity can be completed.
Redirect with humor or another calming activity: Try using humor, offering a favorite book, or engaging in a calming task.

Counterbalancing for Zoned-Out or Less Responsive Children

Counterbalancing isn’t just for intense emotions. You can also use it with children who seem zoned-out or low-energy. In these cases, you want to energize them with more stimulating activities. Here are some strategies:

Use sing-songy speech: A playful tone can grab their attention.
Incorporate big movements: Dancing, jumping, or even exaggerated gestures can wake them up.
Use enthusiastic language: Fun, animated speech and songs can help lift their energy.

Practice Makes Progress

Counterbalancing takes practice, but keeping these ideas in mind can help you stay focused and calm when your child gets into a mood. The more you practice, the more natural it will become.

If your child continues to have multiple outbursts or struggles to engage despite using counterbalancing techniques, it may be time to seek professional support. A pediatric occupational therapist can evaluate your child’s emotional regulation and develop strategies that are specific to their needs.

For more information, visit www.pediatricTLC.com or check out the Profectum Parent Toolbox.

If you are a parent or caregiver of a child over the age of one, you have likely experienced a meltdown! The meltdown—when your child is no longer calm, no longer in a state to be reasoned with, and seems to have one goal: to make sure that everyone within a two-mile radius knows they are upset and unwilling to comply. Meltdowns can leave a parent or caregiver feeling helpless and out of control. In that moment, there are typically a dozen thoughts racing through your mind, most revolving around, “How can I make this stop?”

For me, when a child is having a meltdown, it triggers a certain level of panic. I have worked for years to quell that panic, but even with my own children, staying calm has always felt harder than when I’m working with clients who are experiencing a meltdown. If my mom or mother-in-law was around during one of these meltdowns… well, the panic rose exponentially! In those moments, it was easy to respond out of frustration, embarrassment, and overwhelm. But when I reacted with shouting or punishment, it almost never stopped the meltdown. Why was that?

Before diving into how to handle these situations, I think the best place to start is by defining a meltdown and understanding the differences between intentional behaviors and meltdown behaviors.

What is a Meltdown?

Meltdowns are often due to an overload in the nervous system. This overload can stem from sensory issues, emotional stress, or a child’s difficulty in self-regulating. The nervous system goes into distress, and we see behaviors like crying, refusal to participate, abandoning activities, or aggression toward others or themselves.

You may have noticed that these behaviors are often associated with the “Terrible Twos,” and there’s a reason for that. The toddler and preschool years are a time of rapid cognitive development, which can overwhelm children, leading to meltdowns.

Meltdowns vs. Intentional Behavior

So, if meltdown behaviors result from nervous system overload, how can we differentiate them from intentional behaviors?

Intentional behaviors typically occur in response to a specific circumstance or event. These behaviors can often be altered or influenced by rewards or consequences. Examples include when a child is seeking attention or defying a rule or instruction. In these moments, the child is usually aware of what they are doing—they might make eye contact, check to see if you’re watching, or appear calm despite pretending not to hear you.

These behaviors differ from those of a child who cannot process what you’re saying because they’re too distressed, crying, or distracted by their environment. During a meltdown, it may feel like your child has become someone completely different!

Checklist: Meltdown or Intentional Behavior?

Here’s a little checklist to help you decide if your child is having a meltdown or demonstrating intentional behaviors:

Intentional Behaviors:

You understand the reason your child is objecting; it typically responds to a direct task, instruction, or environment.
Your child can make eye contact.
Your child is purposefully refusing to comply, either by saying “no” or ignoring directions when you know they heard you.
Your child can negotiate or try to bargain.
Your child may use emotional manipulation.
Your child may engage in attention-seeking behaviors (e.g., throwing items in your direction, slamming doors).

Meltdown Behaviors:

Intense, prolonged crying or screaming that’s difficult to stop or redirect with words.
Physical aggression, such as hitting others or themselves.
Signs of panic, such as sweating, increased heart rate, rapid breathing, or attempting to run away.
The child’s response seems disproportionate to the event or circumstance.
The child’s communication decreases, and they struggle to express themselves or understand others.

How to Respond to Intentional Behaviors

Stay calm, as hard as it may be!
Offer clear examples of expected behavior. Instead of saying, “No, stop throwing that,” say, “You can put your toys in the bucket.”
Let your child know what behavior needs to be completed before their desired activity: “First clean up the toys, then we can play outside.”
Ignore attention-seeking behaviors (e.g., stomping, screaming) if they’re not hurting anyone or damaging property.
Offer choices, such as “Do you want to clean up the books first or the cars first?”
Praise their effort: “Good job putting one book on the shelf. I can tell you’re ready to clean up,” or “I like how you’re using your inside voice.”

How to Respond to Meltdowns

Stay calm and get down on the child’s level.
Minimize how much you talk to them—avoid giving too much information.
Give them space, but keep them safe. Try not to hover or chase after them.
If they’re ready, hold them on your lap and gently rock them.
Model deep breathing.
Validate their feelings: “This is hard. It’s okay to be upset.”
Slowly redirect their attention to something calming, such as blowing bubbles, looking at a book, or doing a simple puzzle.
Once they’re calm, revisit the meltdown later, away from the situation.

Parenting certainly has its challenges, but helping your child learn to self-regulate is a skill that will benefit them for the rest of their lives! For more information on handling your child’s meltdowns, visit our website or email us.

Counterbalancing: Learning How to Shift a Child’s Mood